Going numb
by this account is crap
Summary: Hojo really did love lucrecia, and he couldn't bear that she was willing to die for vincent valentine and not him.


**Ok, I don't normally do FF7 one shots, least of all about Hojo, but this idea came to me and I couldn't get rid of it.**

**All flames will be handed out equally to Reno, Pyro and Ash :)**

Hojo watched from afar. They never knew he was there and they never would. Lucrecia and Vincent were sat underneath a tree, talking in the sunny light of the day, the light hitting her in a way it made her the brown of her hair seem as if it was flecked with blond and her eyes sparkle beautifully. And she was laughing. She never laughed like that around him. Never. But her she was with Vincent Valentine, laughing her beautiful flowing laugh as if she did it all the time. She had even taken of her coat to sit and enjoy the sun washing over her skin, making it seem paler and softer.

Subconsciously, Hojo held out one hand, as if to touch her warm arm, gently, and tell her, not the man beside her, but him. He loved her, no matter how he acted. The world needs someone to hate, right? He was just giving them someone. It was all an act. Please, not Vincent! Why the Turk? He never did anything… didn't she notice how successful Hojo was? He could see it all, but it could never happen. And he saw _Valentine_ nervously put one arm around her shoulders and whisper in her ear.

Hojo closed his eyes and ran one hand through his hair. Like this, he could imagine he was the one that was holding her. Why couldn't Lucrecia choose him? Why?

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"So you've finally come to your senses and choosen me?" Hojo asked, surveying Lucriecia with a cool gaze, light reflecting off his glasses, making it impossible for her to see his eyes.

She hid her feelings well, but Hojo had dealt with the Turks more times than he could count and he knew the small signs that gave even the best away. She wasn't happy. She didn't love him. And she didn't even realise how much it hurt to know that she was only going to be with him because she felt too guilty to go with _him_. Everything about her said '_it shouldn't be you, it should never be you… it should be Vincent, you know it, I know it but I can't bear it'. _So he smiled his twisted smile and held her when she ran to his arms, because even though she didn't love him, he loved her and this way he got to hold her. Lucrecia… Why? Why couldn't you love him? Why? Why Vincent and not…?

But Hojo didn't say this aloud, he just held her tightly and stroked her hair. _Why aren't you mine…?_ He smiled when she looked at him and acted pleased when she called him doctor but all he could think was; _Why not me? Why him?_ Why?

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He wondered when his jealousy turned to hate? Or maybe they are the same thing. Who knows? But he couldn't take all the whys… and When Vincent presented him with the chance… how could he refuse? Maybe if Vincent was gone, Lucrecia would realise her mistake… love him? Maybe…

But still… With Vincent Valentine lying on the ground in front of him, blood in a pool around him, slowly creeping towards Hojo's feet. He almost wondered how the gun came to be in his hand. And the laughter… Why was he laughing? He wasn't exactly happy right now… he didn't even remember shooting Vincent… or when Vincent got here… But still, he was laughing. Everyone needs someone to hate. Everyone needs a bad guy. Why not him? He was already hated. But did he have to laugh.

There was a scream from the doorway. Hojo turned, still laughing like he was possessed. Why couldn't he stop? Why was this happening? He had just looked… he hadn't meant… But lucrecia was already running and holding Vincent, and screaming at Hojo. He just laughed louder. This time he had a reason. How foolish he had been. The villains aren't meant to find love. And so he laughed, and laughed. "Lu…Cre…cia…" Vincent gasped from the floor, looking at her in that way that said nothing else mattered. She was safe.

How…?! How did that insolent Turk manage to make Lucrecia look at him that way, even when he is on the point of death? Then it came washing back. The jealousy, the hate. This Turk had torn Lucreica from him too many times… Lucrecia had Hojo's child growing in her, how did she still manage to love Vincent more?

The laughing suddenly ceased. He grabbed hold of Lucrecia's soft arm, not in the way he had always wanted - not the loving, soft touch - but a harsh grip that he used to tear her away from Vincent Valentine. No. Vincent wouldn't die. He wouldn't win. He… couldn't.

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He watched her grow sick. The more he experimented on Vincent, the more he played with the ex-turks mind, the more sick she grew. He watched, and slowly he became more and more distant. He stopped wondering. It stopped making his heart ache. He just worked, like a robot - experiment, paperwork, eat, sleep, repeat.

And slowly she grew worse. And then Vincent couldn't take the experiments anymore… and his body started to give up. That's when she got really bad. Working day and night to save him. And Hojo just watched with numb fascination. Because he couldn't love her anymore. Not when she was dying for someone else.

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Hojo thought he would always be distant, thought that the pain would never return. Vincent survived, somehow, but Hojo just locked him away where he wouldn't get in the way. And Lucrecia got worse. She started falling over, for no reason really. She was unhappy, and she was going to die. Hojo knew it, but it barely touched him now. He was sad at first, but how can you be sad when they have ignored you?

But then he held his son for the first time. He saw the boy slowly open his eyes. The jenova cells had made a dramatic change come over the child. The little hair he had, though still stained with bits of blood, was snow white. His pupils were ovals like a cats. But for once, the first time since he shot Vincent, he didn't care about the science. The shape of his sons eyes was the exact same as Lucrecia's. And the boy smiled at his father, a smile nobody had given him before. And in the silence of the room, with his son smiling at him, all the pain came flooding back. "Why smile at me…?" Hojo asked the child in his arms. "I'm the bad guy… don't you know that… why smile and me? I'm only going to cause you pain. Why?"

The child stared at him uncomprehendingly for a second or so before grabbing his fathers finger far tighter than a child should be able to. Hojo blinked at him in supprise. Down here in the labs he had always thought he was making monsters for Shinra, but maybe He himself was the only success story in that sense… "Sephiroth…" Hojo whispered, holding the child's hand back. "Your name is Sephiroth… and your mother is Jenova." Not the woman dying down here in the dark for Vincent Valentine.


End file.
